The Nautical World...

Monday, October 12, 2009

Human babies are Worthless

I drove to Dallas this weekend to see my family. It was supposed to be relaxing, but my niece and nephew were present and killed that notion. I love them to death but I felt like hiding under the bed the whole time like my dog, Nikita. Little kids are crazy and have some unending source of energy, it just freaks me out. Sometimes they can be sweet, but a lot of times they are brats. Do you think kids were just as bratty back in the day?
When I watch these little banshees run around, I like to wonder if, hundreds of years ago, children in a tribe of Cherokee acted like that. I mean, was a lady walking around with a papoose with a kid screaming bloody murder? If so I would quickly condone infanticide. It sounds cruel, but I swear to god these kids screamed non-stop for 2 days. I mean they didn't scream the whole time, sometimes they cried, whined, yelled, or pouted. Do you think Ghengis Khan put up with that? I bet he did because I notice the common denominator is that no matter how cool or tough you are, when you have a kid, that goes down the drain. I'm sure Tom cruise is somewhere having to change a diaper or going to McDonald's to get chicken nuggets. Actually, no I take that back, I'm sure the Scientology elders are probably feeding his baby alien food. Well you get my point though.
I feel guilty because the more time I spend around children the closer I get to a vasectomy. I went to Disney World a few weeks ago, and it was one of the seven circles of hell. Also, little kids smell weird. Maybe because they are constantly pooping and snotting themselves. They are so high maintenance. I mean, if you have a bunch of puppies or kittens, all you do is leave some food and water out, and you can go out an do stuff. But not human babies. If you leave those little grubs alone for 10 minutes they are screaming bloody murder, and there is no way they can feed themselves. Why didn't Darwinism wipe us out a long time ago? If you look at how many times a human baby gets sick or hurt or something in one day, it's miracle we have made it this far. And look what they grow up to, that's even scarier. Toddlers are the most disgusting brand of human spawn. They no longer wear diapers, but just constantly pee themselves. They also require constant attention. I think thats why the Spartans invented the Agoge, a training camp that took them at the age of 7. Man, that was a good idea.

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